My True Self...

Dear Reader,
Sometimes I feel that everything will crumble down on top of me...that feeling in your gut that everything will just break down and disappear. When you know things will end badly, but you do or say things anyway, yeah, that feeling is both the best and the worst feeling you can ever and will ever feel in your entire life. I have no idea why the hell I'm writing this, it kinda just came to mind and I'm just writing what I think. Have you ever done something utterly stupid, knowing it's wrong and knowing the consequences, but still doing it anyway? I have...a lot, but not recently...thank god!!! When I was younger I would always be sneaking around seeking out adventure whenever and wherever I could. No matter how much trouble I got in, I kept doing it because I loved the fact that one, I was the only one either brave enough, or stupid enough to do it, or just for the sake of saying I did it.  I loved the adrenaline that I would feel like I could get caught any second if I made a wrong move. I loved doing daring things just for the heck of it, I think I actually liked being that rebel that wasn't afraid of getting in trouble, that one girl who didn't care about what others said or thought of her, to be the one that stood out, the trouble-maker, the one that the teachers were even afraid of. It was awesome, beside getting constantly beaten by my mother that is. But it was always worth it, I don't know why but I kept going at it, I didn't care if I got hit with the belt again or came to school with another bruise, whether it be on my arm, leg, or face, whether it be getting a busted lip or red marks on my butt from my mothers belt, it was all worth it. To feel powerful, to not care about anyone or anything, it was, it was, exhilarating!!! I couldn't get enough of it. But then I realized, when I get older, the consequences will get worse, and I could get sent to jail, I could be expelled, what would that do to my life??? I can't afford to fuck up my life, so I stopped, it took years, but I finally stopped being the rebel, the one who didn't care about others or what they thought of me. I was that rebel up until 6th grade, when I couldn't and wouldn't fuck up anymore. Yeah, I still miss being the rebel, but once in a while it shows, when I see firr escapes and suddenly have that urge to find a way to climb it, and climb to the high spot I could. I stop myself and think of the consequences, but even so, I can imagine myself being that rebel, even at this age. I know this might sound strange, but I can imagine myself in my head doing unbelieveable flips off things, climbing things high up and jumping off with a bungie cord, dancing like a star, singing like a pro, doing crazy flips, jumps, acrobatic things on a daily basis just for fun, being that rebel that I have always truly been, to be that rebel again, it would be amazing. I wish I could be that way again, because THAT...is my true self.